How Trauma Can Impact Relationships as an Adult
Our childhood experiences form the foundation for how we engage with the world and connect with others. Ideally, these early years provide a secure base, where love, trust, and safety are nurtured. But when trauma enters our lives—whether through neglect, loss, any form of abuse or not feeling able to show up as ourselves, —it can leave lasting scars. These scars often influence how we respond to others as adults, sometimes without us even realising it.
As Dr Peter Levine, trauma psychologist, reminds us, "Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence." This understanding is key when we consider how trauma shapes our relationships—and, importantly, how we can break free from its hold and create healthier, more fulfilling connections.
The Echo of Trauma in Adult Relationships
When trauma remains unresolved, it doesn’t simply stay in the past. Instead, it tends to echo through our adult relationships, affecting how we see ourselves, how we trust others, and how we manage intimacy and conflict. One of the most insidious ways this happens is through the replication of negative patterns from our past.
For instance, if we grew up in a household where love was conditional or inconsistent, we might find ourselves unconsciously seeking out partners who replicate those dynamics—partners who are emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or critical. Even though these patterns may have caused us pain in the past, they can feel strangely familiar and even comforting, as they align with our early experiences of what love looked like.
In addition to these patterns, a particular form of trauma known as parentification can deeply affect how we show up in our relationships. Parentification occurs when a child is forced to take on the role of a caregiver or the emotional support system for their parent or siblings, often due to the parents’ inability to fulfil these roles themselves. This reversal of roles can lead to a profound sense of responsibility and an overdeveloped need to care for others, well beyond what is healthy or appropriate for a child.
As adults, those who were parentified as children might find themselves slipping into roles like the rescuer or people pleaser. They may feel an overwhelming need to take care of their partner, often at the expense of their own needs and well-being. This behaviour stems from a deep-seated belief that their worth is tied to their ability to support others, a belief that was likely reinforced during their childhood. However, in adult relationships, this can create an unhealthy dynamic where one partner gives too much and receives too little, leading to feelings of exhaustion, resentment, and even burnout.
Parentified individuals might also struggle with setting boundaries, as they have learned to put others' needs ahead of their own from a very young age. This can make it difficult for them to advocate for themselves in relationships.
The Roles Trauma Can Lead Us to Play
Trauma doesn’t just influence the dynamics we’re drawn to in relationships; it can also push us into specific roles. These roles often develop as coping mechanisms—ways to manage the pain, fear, and uncertainty that trauma brings. However, while they might have served a purpose in the past, they can create unhealthy patterns in adult relationships. Not all roles are a trauma response, however trauma can mean it is more likely we will fall into a role as a way of avoiding pain.
Here are some common roles that trauma can lead us to play:
The Rescuer: Often driven by a deep-seated need to feel valued and needed, the rescuer steps in to "save" others, often at the expense of their own well-being. This role can be particularly appealing to those who were parentified as children or grew up in chaotic environments, where taking care of others was a way to find control and worth. However, in adult relationships, the rescuer can become overextended, giving too much and receiving too little, leading to burnout and resentment.
The People Pleaser: Similar to the rescuer, the people pleaser is constantly striving to keep the peace and make others happy. This role often develops in response to environments where conflict was dangerous, where love and approval were conditional, or where parents were emotionally immature. For those who experienced parentification or had emotionally immature parents, this need to please others can be deeply ingrained, as they learned early on that their needs were secondary to those of their caregivers. People pleasers may struggle to assert their own needs, leading to relationships where they feel unfulfilled and undervalued.
The Taker: On the opposite end of the spectrum, trauma can also lead someone to become a taker—someone who seeks out others to meet their needs, often without reciprocating. This role can develop in individuals who experienced neglect or unmet needs in childhood. As adults, takers might struggle with empathy and may unknowingly exploit the generosity of rescuers or people pleasers.
The Distant Partner: Trauma can also lead to emotional distance. Individuals who have been deeply hurt or who grew up in violent or neglectful environments may develop a protective shell, keeping others at arm’s length to avoid further pain. This role can manifest as avoidant attachment, where the person is hesitant to become too close or intimate, fearing vulnerability will lead to being hurt again.
The Addict: For some, trauma leads to the role of the addict—turning to substances, behaviours, or even relationships as a way to numb pain or fill an emotional void. This role is particularly complex, as the addiction often becomes a central focus in relationships, creating a dynamic where the addict’s needs overshadow those of their partner.
The Victim: Trauma can sometimes trap individuals in a perpetual victim mindset, where they see themselves as powerless and constantly at the mercy of others. This role can attract partners who either exploit this perceived weakness or who are drawn to the idea of "saving" the victim, perpetuating an unhealthy dynamic.
The Controller: Some individuals respond to trauma by becoming controlling, trying to manage every aspect of their relationships to avoid the unpredictability they may have experienced in their past. This can create tension and conflict, as their partner may feel stifled or dominated.
The Martyr: The martyr role involves self-sacrifice to an extreme degree. Martyrs may consistently put their partner’s needs above their own, to the point of neglecting their own well-being. This role can stem from a deep-seated belief that suffering is a necessary part of love or that one’s own needs are less important than others’. Over time, this self-sacrifice can lead to deep resentment and feelings of being unappreciated.
The Silent Sufferer: This role is characterised by enduring pain, dissatisfaction, or emotional neglect in silence. Silent sufferers may believe that their suffering is a burden to others, or they might feel that their pain will be dismissed if voiced. This role often leads to suppressed emotions, which can manifest as physical illness or mental health issues like depression or anxiety. The silent sufferer may stay in unhealthy relationships far longer than is healthy, due to a belief that expressing their needs or pain would be selfish or futile.
The Avoidant: Individuals who have experienced trauma, particularly those who grew up in environments where their emotional needs were consistently unmet or where they were shamed for expressing vulnerability, may adopt an avoidant role. As avoidants, they might distance themselves from emotional intimacy, finding it difficult to open up or trust others. They may fear being overwhelmed by their emotions or becoming too dependent on someone else, leading them to keep their partners at a safe distance, both emotionally and physically.
The Unavailable Partner: Similar to the avoidant, the unavailable partner is emotionally distant and often inaccessible in relationships. This role can develop from early experiences of neglect, emotional immaturity in parents, or witnessing unhealthy relationship dynamics, such as violence or conflict. Unavailable partners may struggle to connect on a deeper emotional level, avoiding commitment or meaningful engagement. Their partners may find themselves constantly chasing after emotional closeness that never fully materialises, creating a painful dynamic where needs go unmet.
We may find that we slip into these roles occasionally or frequently or we may notice we often pick partners that fall into one or more of these roles. It’s worth noting that these are just a few examples and human behaviour is complex and individual, do t put yourself in a box, but rather reflect on anything that sounds familiar or you can relate to.
Understanding and Breaking Free from These Roles
These roles, while initially developed as coping mechanisms, can limit our ability to form healthy, balanced relationships. The first step in breaking free from these roles is to recognise that they exist and to understand how they play out in your relationships.
For example, if you find yourself constantly giving in a relationship without receiving much in return, it might be a sign that you’ve taken on the role of the rescuer or people pleaser. Or, if you find it difficult to open up and be vulnerable with your partner, you might be playing the role of the distant partner, avoidant, or unavailable partner.
Understanding our attachment style can also shed light on why we adopt these roles. Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the way we were treated as children influences how we relate to others as adults. If we experienced inconsistency, neglect, emotional immaturity from parents, or parentification, we might develop an anxious attachment style, constantly seeking reassurance, or an avoidant attachment style, distancing ourselves to avoid being hurt.
But here’s the good news: these patterns are not set in stone. With self-awareness and the right support, it’s entirely possible to break free from these cycles and move towards more secure, healthy ways of relating.
The Role of Therapy in Breaking Patterns
Therapy can be an invaluable tool for those looking to understand and change these repeated patterns. A therapist provides a safe and supportive space to explore how past experiences are influencing current behaviours and to develop healthier coping mechanisms.
In therapy, you can gain insight into why you might be drawn to certain types of relationships or why certain dynamics feel so familiar. This awareness is the first step toward breaking the cycle. With this understanding, you can begin to make different choices—choosing partners who are supportive and nurturing, and learning to respond in ways that are healthier and more constructive.
Dr Sue Johnson, a pioneer in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasises the importance of creating secure bonds in relationships. She notes, "When we feel securely connected to our partner, we are more confident and more resilient." Therapy helps to build these secure connections by addressing the root causes of insecurity and anxiety, allowing for a shift away from old, destructive patterns.
10 Tips for Noticing a Trauma Response in a Relationship and How to Tackle It
Hypervigilance: If you’re constantly on edge, expecting something to go wrong, ask yourself if this fear is linked to the present moment or past experiences. Practise mindfulness to stay grounded in the now.
Difficulty Trusting: Notice if you’re doubting your partner’s intentions without clear reasons. Try to communicate your fears openly rather than letting them fester in silence.
Emotional Numbing: If you find yourself shutting down emotionally, work on reconnecting with your feelings. Gentle self-exploration through journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help.
Avoiding Conflict: If you avoid disagreements because you fear they’ll lead to rejection or abandonment, remind yourself that healthy conflict is a normal part of relationships. Practise expressing your needs in a calm, respectful way.
Clinginess: If you feel overly dependent on your partner’s approval, focus on building your own sense of self-worth. Engage in activities that make you feel confident and self-sufficient.
Fear of Abandonment: If you’re constantly worried that your partner will leave, try to explore the roots of this fear. Discuss it with a therapist to gain a deeper understanding and learn how to manage it.
Repeating Negative Patterns: Notice if you’re drawn to the same toxic dynamics that played out in your past. Once you’re aware of this, you can start making different choices to break the cycle.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions: If sharing your feelings is challenging, start by naming and expressing smaller, less charged emotions. Build your communication skills gradually.
Overreacting to Minor Issues: If you find yourself reacting strongly to small problems, take a moment to breathe and reflect on whether your response is tied to past trauma. This awareness can help you respond more appropriately.
Isolation: If you withdraw from your partner during stressful times, make an effort to stay connected, even if it’s difficult. Sharing your struggles can strengthen your bond.
Moving from Anxious to Secure Attachment
One of the most significant ways trauma affects our relationships is through its impact on our attachment style. Anxious attachment can make us feel overly dependent on our partner’s reassurance, while avoidant attachment might lead us to distance ourselves emotionally. However, these attachment styles are not fixed, and with time and effort, they can shift towards a more secure attachment.
Secure attachment is characterised by a healthy balance of closeness and independence. It involves trusting your partner, communicating openly, and feeling safe within the relationship. Therapy can be instrumental in facilitating this shift, helping you to understand your past and rewire your emotional responses so that you can build stronger, more secure relationships.
Conclusion
Trauma can have a profound impact on our adult relationships, often leading us to replicate unhealthy patterns from the past. But it doesn’t have to be this way. With self-awareness, therapy, and a commitment to growth, we can break free from these cycles and create the relationships we truly want—relationships grounded in trust, understanding, and love. Healing is a journey, and with each step, we move closer to the secure, connected relationships we deserve.